Making Friends as an Adult: A Universal Struggle

Friendship dynamics shift dramatically after graduation. The casual lunches and late-night study sessions are replaced by job commitments and geographical distances.

Contrary to popular belief, friendships don’t just materialize. Research from the University of Oxford reveals that our social circles tend to shrink after the age of 25. Maintaining meaningful relationships requires effort, yet our free time is often scarce.

Loneliness Can Shorten Your Lifespan

In a society that often prioritizes wealth and status, friendships can fall by the wayside. However, neglecting social connections can be detrimental to our health. A 79-year-long study by Harvard demonstrated that loneliness not only diminishes life quality but can also lead to a shorter lifespan. Regrettably, failing to nurture friendships ranks as one of the top regrets among those nearing the end of their lives.

How My Experience Can Help You

To combat my loneliness, I messaged 61 strangers across various social media platforms. To my surprise, about 92% responded positively, and I ended up forming five close friendships. These individuals have become crucial parts of my life, joining me on travels and supporting me through tough times.

Your people are out there; they just haven’t found you yet. I’ll share my approach, the challenges I faced using dating apps, and the strategies I developed for reaching out.

Why I Avoid Bumble BFF

While Bumble BFF might seem like a logical choice for finding friends, I have my reservations. Swiping apps can feel overwhelming, offering endless options that often lead to a sense of disposability. The business model encourages prolonged screen time rather than meaningful in-person interactions. Additionally, there are typically no mutual connections, which can make the experience feel disconnected.

Why LinkedIn Works Better for Friendships

LinkedIn provides a platform to connect with individuals based on shared backgrounds, such as hometown or educational institutions, and highlights mutual connections. This context can foster a deeper bond and increase accountability, making it less likely for someone to flake on a meet-up. The absence of competition on LinkedIn for friendship also works in your favor.

My Friendship Outcomes by Platform

Through my outreach, I connected with 61 individuals across three social media platforms, meeting 13 in person and forming five meaningful friendships.

My Targeting Strategy

I drew inspiration from the book "Find Your People" and considered several factors to build a meaningful community:

• Physical Proximity: Prioritized individuals in my city for ease of interaction.
• Consistency: Focused on those who frequented my office—two of my close friends fall into this category.
• Shared Interests and Values: I sought out individuals with similar passions or causes, particularly those involved in nonprofits or volunteering.
• Shared Identity: This common ground helped strengthen our connections.

The Messages I Sent to Strangers

When reaching out, my initial concern was ensuring I didn’t come across as intrusive. I mentioned mutual friends or shared backgrounds to establish context. I kept my messages light and open-ended, making it easy for them to decline if they wanted to.

Here’s an example of my approach:

“Hi [Name]! I recently moved to [City] for a job at [Company]. I noticed we have [Mutual Friends] from [School], and I wanted to say hi! How are you finding [City]?”

By addressing them by name and keeping the tone casual, I aimed to create a low-pressure interaction.

Tips for Reaching Out Without Being Overbearing

• Be prepared for rejection.
• Make it easy for them to engage or disengage.
• Avoid desperation; keep it friendly and short.
• Limit yourself to five conversations at a time.

Asking to Hang Out

After a few exchanges, I suggested meeting up in person for activities we both enjoyed. Coffee is an easy option, and local events or classes can also provide a relaxed setting for connection.

Keeping the Friendship Alive

Following up after meeting is crucial for nurturing early friendships. Jeffrey A. Hall’s research indicates that spending time together is essential for forming deeper connections.

Two Key Strategies for Building Friendships

To foster friendship, consider establishing:

• Weekly sports leagues or classes.
• Regular lunch or happy hour meet-ups.
• Group volunteering opportunities.

Creating a Sense of Community

After connecting with new friends, I created a WhatsApp group with my 24 Mexican friends, facilitating meet-ups and community bonding. Sharing experiences with individuals who understand your background can be incredibly enriching.

Final Thoughts on My Experience

One of the biggest revelations was how welcoming strangers were to my outreach. Loneliness is a common sentiment, and many people share the desire for connection.

I also learned that intentionality is vital in cultivating friendships. Sometimes, chemistry isn’t immediate, but engaging in activities together can help break the ice.

Rejection is a natural part of the process, and the more I experienced it, the less it affected me. The friendships I formed have significantly enriched my life, providing support during challenging times and allowing me to grow.

I hope my journey inspires you to seek out your community in unconventional ways. If you haven’t found your people yet, take the initiative to reach out. Building a supportive network takes time and effort, but it’s a rewarding endeavor. Your tribe is out there, just waiting to be discovered.