Chapter 1: The Weight of Isolation

I often feel a deep sense of isolation, as if my entire being is engulfed in flames. It’s overwhelming, and I find myself at a loss for solutions. The thought of attending school, going to work, or engaging in any activity feels unbearable. Everything around me is irritating, and I can’t shake this feeling of frustration.

Staring at my emails, the text becomes a blur of dates and blue hyperlinks, a task meant to organize my schedule for grad school feels impossible. I need to revise an assignment for class, but my mind is so foggy that I can’t even think straight. It’s as if my brain has shut down completely, and I’m fed up with everyone around me.

In the midst of this chaos, my grandmother has reconnected with a cousin in the Philippines and is insisting that we adopt him. I’m struggling to take care of myself, let alone a child. Her relentless pleas, labeling us as ungodly for not helping, only add to my stress.

My mind is racing with thoughts. I've recently started a new medication, which has intensified my depression. It's not dangerously severe, but it feels different—like a dank, suffocating space filled with anger.

I wear a façade of confidence during job interviews, but inside, I feel completely hollow. My resume may look impressive, but the recent departure from my last job after only nine months weighs heavily on me. My anxiety is palpable; I hope they can’t detect my instability or see the pain etched in my eyes. Crying feels impossible; I can’t even remember how.

Just keep securing jobs to earn money and push through.

I recently picked up "Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto" by Tricia Hersey. The first chapter struck a chord, moving me to tears. I recognized my need for rest, yet living in a household obsessed with productivity and with a husband who constantly pushes for more has me feeling exhausted. I want to scream—I'm so tired of the relentless drive to overperform. I just want to sleep. My soul craves a level of rest that feels out of reach.

I tried discussing my feelings with a friend over the phone, but he seemed fixated on "grinding" and finding peace in the chaos—clichés that have grown tiresome. Our conversation felt like a tedious advertisement for wellness products. I opened up about my struggles: quitting my job due to an abusive manager, feeling overwhelmed by grad school, my grandmother’s harsh judgments, and the side effects of my medication. His response? Just stop stressing.

Really? It’s that simple? If only letting go of years of trauma were as easy as breathing through the madness.

Outside my window, an atmospheric river rages, the sound of the rain echoing like a distant train. Meanwhile, my grandmother is at a hotel with a child she’s trying to take care of, my aunt is in turmoil after leaving a homeless shelter, and my own mental state feels precariously fragile, as if my heart could leap out of my chest at any moment.

I’m on the brink of losing my grip on sanity. My smile feels like a mask that’s beginning to crack. How much longer can I maintain this façade? What is my purpose? Who am I meant to be? These questions only amplify my anxiety.

Why is life so challenging? Why did I choose this path in academia? I already hold a master’s degree; why pursue another?

Sometimes I wish for a cleansing storm that could sweep away everything and allow us to begin anew.

I feel like I’ve failed somewhere along the way, perhaps even since birth. It seems as though my fate was sealed by my genetics, destined for disappointment.

As I prepare for yet another video call, applying makeup to hide the traces of tears and adjusting my hair for the camera, I remind myself to keep breathing and moving forward as the unique individual that I am. Unless the world suddenly ends, in which case, I wouldn’t mind at all.

Chapter 2: Understanding Mental Health Challenges

The first video, Mental Illness Causes, Symptoms, Diagnosis, and Treatment | Merck Manual Consumer Version, provides a comprehensive overview of mental health issues, offering insights into their origins, symptoms, and treatment options. This resource is invaluable for anyone seeking to understand the complexities of mental illness.

In the second video, Defining a Nervous Breakdown, viewers can learn more about what constitutes a nervous breakdown, how it manifests, and the importance of recognizing its signs. This understanding is essential for those navigating their own mental health crises.