Navigating Life with Bipolar, ADHD, and CPTSD: A Personal Journey
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Chapter 1: The Inner Turmoil
Inside me, there’s a chaotic interplay of chemicals. It’s like a concert of cortisol, adrenaline, and sporadic surges of dopamine and oxytocin that fluctuate throughout the day. The emotional highs and lows are beyond description—imagine the towering Himalayas juxtaposed against the vast Grand Canyon.
At times, I find myself suspended in a fleeting moment of calm before the inevitable rise or fall. I long for the peaks, even more than those transient moments of stability. The descent is what I fear most.
When the cortisol surges, panic washes over me. My skin erupts with eczema, and adrenaline courses through my body, preparing me for action that never materializes. Any reminder of past traumas can trigger this response, sending my body into overdrive.
Every morning, I reach for my ADHD medication. Without it, motivation often eludes me. It also helps to mitigate traumatic flashbacks, allowing me to concentrate on tasks rather than spiraling into ruminations.
In moments of bipolar depression, a sudden trauma flashback—especially during the recent Adderall shortages—can throw my symptoms into turmoil. I feel both suicidal and hyperactive, my body caught in a state of frantic motion, unable to settle long enough to focus. It’s as if life has transformed into a relentless torment.
Since my diagnosis nearly six years ago, I have immersed myself in understanding each of my conditions. In today's self-help culture, resources on Bipolar 2, ADHD, and CPTSD abound. However, there’s a risk of becoming overwhelmed by information.
Focusing too much on learning about your disorders may hinder your healing process. If you only consume content about symptoms, you might end up perpetually reminded of your struggles without actively seeking solutions.
Understanding your disorders is crucial for taking an active role in your recovery. By familiarizing yourself with your conditions and the physiological responses during episodes, you can better manage your moods and emotions.
I visualize neurotransmitters and hormones being released in response to my emotional states. Just like you can’t repair a car without knowing what's wrong under the hood, you don't want to mismanage your treatment by misunderstanding your conditions.
Research indicates that bipolar disorder may stem from abnormalities in the prefrontal cortex, as noted by studies in the National Library of Medicine. However, many believe environmental stressors and early trauma also play significant roles.
CPTSD, or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, arises from prolonged exposure to trauma, violence, or mistreatment. My childhood experiences with violence instilled a profound sense of fear that I’ve struggled to overcome—especially during symptomatic periods.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is often misunderstood. Many view it simply as a condition affecting restless children. While that is one aspect, for many, the real challenge lies in the deficiencies in dopamine and motivation, which can obstruct task completion and even lead to depression.
There are days when I feel like surrendering. The weight of symptoms and medications can become overwhelming, leading to frustration with therapeutic practices that seem ineffective.
Yet, I must acknowledge my progress. I am not the same person I was six years ago. I’ve stripped away the façade and confronted my deepest fears, recognizing that I need support to navigate this journey.
I carry less shame now, understanding that I’m facing an uphill battle. It’s not a fair fight.
Periods of hypomania can make everything seem perfect, while stable phases feel like an anxious pause, waiting for calamity. During depressive episodes, nothing seems to matter.
How do you find motivation when you’re battling delusions, lethargy, or suicidal thoughts? The answer lies in engaging in activities you love whenever possible, to preserve your sanity and contribute positively to the world.
When you stop engaging, you allow the symptoms to creep back in.
Living with comorbidity feels like facing off against multiple opponents in a basketball game—unless you're a superstar, it’s a tough battle. Even the best fighter can't take on three adversaries at once. But when escape isn’t an option, you must stand your ground.
For additional resources and insights, visit my website, InternalJiuJitsu.com. My new book, Brokedown Sensei: How I Fought Trauma and Bipolar Disorder From The Outside In, is available on Amazon. You can also check out my Mental Wellness Workbook to kickstart your journaling journey on Amazon. For more in-depth discussions, watch my full virtual talk, "Nuclear Fusion, Trauma Recovery and The Hero's Journey," available on the InternalJiuJitsu YouTube Channel.
Chapter 2: Understanding Comorbidity
Comorbidity can significantly complicate the management of mental health disorders.
The first video, What is Comorbidity?, provides an overview of the concept and its implications in mental health.
Understanding the interplay between different disorders is crucial for effective management.
The second video, How Comorbid Conditions Increase Risk of Depression, explores how having multiple disorders can elevate the likelihood of experiencing depression.