Chapter 2: From Healthy Intentions to Unhealthy Patterns

My eating disorder emerged from my desire to excel in boxing. I believed that to become faster and stronger, I needed to adopt a completely fat-free diet. Initially, I consumed nutritious foods while meticulously counting calories and portion sizes. However, the energy I derived from my meals was insufficient for my intense training, leading to an unhealthy obsession with eating.

The constant weight fluctuations before and after fights only exacerbated the situation. I lost over 10 kilograms in a short time due to anorexic thoughts and behaviors. Once I stepped away from boxing at 22, bulimia took hold of my life, dominating my existence for three years. Although there were periods of control, I often found myself spiraling into chaos. My distorted self-image made it impossible for me to see that I was underweight; I perceived an overweight figure in the mirror, and I was convinced I weighed significantly more than I actually did.

I resorted to visiting multiple grocery stores to conceal my junk food purchases, which I then binged on before purging. My mood swings, exacerbated by bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, complicated my eating habits even further. During manic episodes, I would forget to eat, while depressive phases led me to binge excessively.

Chapter 3: Breaking Free from Bulimia

Overcoming bulimia was no easy feat. My initial goal was to go just one hour without bingeing and purging, akin to the approach taken in Alcoholics Anonymous—one day at a time. A pivotal moment occurred when my partner accidentally discovered my secret. Witnessing his distress made me confront the reality of my actions, leading to a clearer perspective on my unhealthy behavior.

I began documenting my triggering thoughts and actions, starting by avoiding binge foods and gradually introducing them back into my life to normalize my relationship with them. Sharing my struggle with friends and family was daunting, yet the more I opened up, the more I began to recognize my true self.

Chapter 4: The Ups and Downs of Recovery

Even after feeling I had overcome my eating disorder, life threw challenges my way. I faced weight gain for the first time, leading to both physical and mental distress. Although I had stopped bingeing and purging, I fell into a deep depression where food became my solace, and I continued to overeat. My passion for boxing faded, and I quickly gained 20 kilograms (44 pounds), bringing my weight to 80 kilograms (176 pounds) at a height of 162 centimeters (5 feet 3 inches).

How did I reclaim my fitness? The struggle was ongoing, as each attempt to exercise often lasted only a week or even just a day. Over time, I realized that my mindset was a significant barrier; I had adopted a “fat mindset” that fueled my cravings for unhealthy foods and fostered a disdain for exercise. Transforming my mentality took time, but resources like Carol Dweck's book Mindset and David Goggins' Can't Hurt Me were instrumental in this journey.

Chapter 5: Rediscovering My Passion for Fitness

I slowly began to rebuild my fitness routine, starting with just 10 minutes of exercise. Gradually, those minutes extended to 15, then to an hour, while I eliminated unhealthy foods from my diet. I learned the importance of taking things step by step; pushing too hard initially would only undermine my resolve, while doing nothing would keep me stuck in my comfort zone.

Reconnecting with boxing reignited my love for physical activity. Engaging in something I enjoyed made the early struggles feel less daunting, and over time, my weight started to drop almost effortlessly.

Chapter 6: Finding Balance and Hope

Eventually, I reached my target weight. With the right mindset regarding healthy eating—not overly restrictive but still mindful—maintaining my fitness became much easier. You too can triumph over an eating disorder or negative body image; while the journey is challenging, it is achievable, and it all begins with our mindset.

I hope this post has provided you with hope and reassurance that you are not alone in your struggles. Wishing you a day filled with joy and happiness!