Getting Unstuck

Almost two decades ago, I attempted my first marathon and, unfortunately, I didn’t succeed as planned. I hadn't trained adequately and ended up leaving the course halfway through, feeling humiliated. For seventeen years, I cringed at the memory of that defeat.

In 2019, I resolved to try again. I had carried the weight of regret and negative self-talk long enough. The only way to release it was to cross that finish line. However, I still lacked confidence. Faced with that uncertainty, I began to ask myself critical questions:

• "When will I find support to prepare myself better this time?"
• "When will I prevent another failure?"
• "When will I learn how to train effectively?"
• "When will I overcome feelings of inadequacy?"

It was CHALLENGING.

But something significant happens when you reach that unbearable point of insecurity and choose to reframe your thinking. You might be at that pivotal moment right now.

For me, the simple act of changing one word transformed everything.

I stopped asking, "How will I…"

And began asking, "When will I…"

This might seem like a minor change, but it dramatically altered my perspective. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by questions like "How will I find support?" I felt energized by asking "When will I find support?" This prompted me to think about when I could set aside time to reach out to friends and seek guidance. Would it be today, tomorrow, or next week? If I chose today, how much time would I need? What steps did I need to take? Would it involve making a phone call or sending a text?

This shift from "How will I…" to "When will I…" propelled me into action. I was no longer stagnant. Sure, some logistical stress accompanied this change, but once I scheduled time to address my concerns, I felt empowered to take the first step.

Here's another illustration:

Instead of "How will I prevent another failure?" I asked, "When will I prevent another failure?" The clear response became "THIS TIME," motivating me to begin training sooner than before.

Boom.

Another example:

By changing "How will I figure out how to train smarter?" to "When will I figure out how to train smarter?" the answer became "NOW." Few things ignite our motivation like a sense of urgency.

Instead of "How will I avoid feelings of inadequacy?" I asked, "When will I avoid feelings of inadequacy?" The answer was simply "Right this minute." If you've ever reached your limit with feelings of defeat, you understand how this small adjustment can redefine your approach.

While I may not have solutions to all my concerns, this slight change in language consistently leads me out of inaction.

Practical Applications: Embracing WHEN over How

Reflecting on the earlier questions, here's how I transformed them, along with my answers:

Before: "How will I ever save enough money to buy a house?"

After: "When will I save enough money to buy a house?"

Answer: I need to start saving now if I want to reach that goal.

Before: "How will I find the courage to stand up for myself?"

After: "When will I find the courage to stand up for myself?"

Answer: I will decide today that I can't let others walk all over me anymore.

Before: "How will I get through this divorce?"

After: "When will I get through this divorce?"

Answer: I'll move forward as soon as I've done everything I can. Have I?

Before: "How will I get over this emotional pain?"

After: "When will I get over this emotional pain?"

Answer: I will heal as I continue to work through it.

Before: "How will I know when it's the right time to leap into a new relationship?"

After: "When will I know when it's the right time to leap into a new relationship?"

Answer: I may never know if there's a perfect moment, but I need to try.

Before: "How will I gain the level of expertise and experience that my idols have?"

After: "When will I gain the level of expertise and experience that my idols have?"

Answer: I need to start taking steps now to improve myself.

Before: "How will I tackle this feeling of overwhelm?"

After: "When will I tackle this feeling of overwhelm?"

Answer: I will address it when I begin to take action.

Before: "How will I finally face my fears and tell him/her/them that I'm changing course?"

After: "When will I face my fears and communicate my changes?"

Answer: I can set a date to address this step.

Before: "How will I turn this bad situation around?"

After: "When will I turn this bad situation around?"

Answer: I don’t have all the answers, but I can start reflecting on it now.

Before: "How will I put this experience behind me?"

After: "When will I put this experience behind me?"

Answer: I may never fully move on, and that's okay; it's part of acceptance.

Before: "How will I ever learn to love myself for who I am?"

After: "When will I learn to love myself for who I am?"

Answer: I choose to start loving myself RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

When will you commit to this subtle shift in your language, and when do you anticipate seeing results?

Christine Wolf is an award-winning author and memoir coach specializing in resilience and emotional wellness. Learn more about her work at Writers' Haven LLC.